RIP RIP

this summer i saw an ad that said

[smoking cures cancer]

i stopped blogging...i'm ashamed.

i'm going to start using punctuation. i was boycotting before. (bad childhood experience with a semicolon in a grammar-bee)

I'm going to also start using capital letters at the beginning of sentence from now on.

maybe.

I was again trying to make a statement. (something about capitalism or something)

...shutup

when people make weird noises in class that resemble flatulence, how come they do it like 9 more times? what exactly is going on in that person's head?

"this sound i just made with the rubber sole of my shoe sounded like me farting."

here are my options:

a. announce, "i didn't just fart!" (no one will believe you)

b. repeat it forever until everyone looks down at your foot and they realize, "oh phew. i thought mike farted. i almost thought he was insane and let bodily noises come from his body! ...what a creep"

c. be silent.

if you picked b, you're a normal human being!

(SEGUE)

Today, i attempted to put a disposable paper seat down on a public toilet. It was being unruly and independent (being the inanimate object will free will that it is), so I just decided against using the bathroom.

...my theatre history class was very uncomfortable.

(SEGUE)

I need to get my hairs cut soon...all of them. Haircuts are wounds for me.

The following list is a list of things I'd rather do than be slaughtered by a barber:

1. drink a bottle of lysol

2. run dental floss through my color

3. quadruple bag my tea, then attempt to explain my foreign policy plan

4. play the guitar with my penis

5. play the guitar without my penis.

6. have sex with the television on, and no one complains, because both of us are kind of watching it and it's the season premiere, so who's complaining you know? (but that's just an obvious one :)

7. homework

8. a small, diseases reptile

9. rosie o'donnell

10. segue into pro-mccain rants from random conversations

11. vote for mccain

12. get a genital piercing

13. drink an o'doul's non-alcoholic beer (like...what?!?)

maybe i'll just grow my hair,

because apparently if i don't I'll wind up a conservative trisexual corpse. there aren't many left on the planet actually.

if you vote for mccain, you're voting for palin, because mccain won't last another month. (not a threat, CNN!)

inebriated rant

drunken blog entry!

so when i was a kid, i thought Ringo was really singing about his buddies from grade school ("his friends")

i thought he was referring to Tommy, Jack, and Tanya from the playground...not LSD (Laura Sarah Daniels), PCP (Pamela Carmen Parsons), and MaryJane from the streets.

quitting...awkward

today, i quit my job. (sigh)

i've never quit a job before. i've never been fired. i've just always seemed to land bizarre jobs where the responsibility tended to evaporate due to the circumstaces (...heat?)

i always told myself when i quit for the first time that i would cause a big scene and piss off a customer or something. i think i was kind of always in "quitting mode" ever since a woman threw an iced coffee at me after i skipped her in line for being on the phone and answering her "what the fuck? why did you skip me?" with "i didn't want to interrupt you ma'am."

...i think i'd just been waiting for her to come back in so that i could publicly announce (is there any other kind?) that i am quitting then urinate on this unruly customer/whore. :)

my boss was a sweetheart. we were buddies. it sucked telling her i was gunna be leaving, cause it was just because of school. i used to bitch about my job CONSTANTLY, but honestly, i love to bitch. if there's nothing to bitch about in life, we wouldn't have the good things. (seinfeld, curb your enthusiasm, stand up comedy, matzah, starbucks...)

yeah no. scratch that last paragraph. fuck starbucks. :)

words of wisdom: 4

don't wear your sunglasses inside unless you're blind, or you're an asshole, or bono

(or a blind asshole)

old song video clips

Jane's First Confession (performed by Lauren Marangiello and written by myself)

Ticking Time Bomb (performed and written by myself)

That Aint For Me (performed by myself and written by Paul Rigano)

school starts in three days / i'm quite excited / i'm going to start doing bikram yoga / word /

back to NYC

i just spent a week in ct / strange... /

after spending 365 days in the big apple, i've come to the realization that manhattan does things to you / things that no other borough can do / never in queens would i pay 5.50 for a box of cereal / never in brooklyn would i spend 10 dollars on a drink, then not buy groceries for two weeks / never in staten island would i help an old lady cross the street (because i'd wanna fit it, and staten island'er's are assmunches) / never would i (anything) in the bronx / fuck the bronx 

i'm going back to school soon / i'm getting my apartment all nice and clean again / i'm figuring out roommate drama (i'm finally living with decent human beings who don't use the word, "like" as a verb, adjective, and noun) / i'm going out to rite aid to save big on pencils and spiral bound notebooks / i'm cleaning out my backpack and ridding it of all crumbs, broken pencils, and triple a batteries / i'll start smoking a lot less pot and drinking a lot more coffee / i'm going to start working so part time that i'll just resort to gigiloism (as if it's some sort of spirituality) to make the rent / and i will stop smelling clean air, driving a car, and being nice to strangers /

it's good to be back 

words of wisdom: 3

                                                                     ...mainstream sucks...

                                                                    old school rocks!

writer's block

so i've had a severe case of writer's block lately (not in a blogging sense) / i just recently took this class over at nyu tisch at the graduate music theatre writing program / it was such a great experience / and now that it's over i've been having trouble finding inspiration / i found it recently as i was staring at the inside of my eyelids wishing my alarm clock had nuts so i could could kick them, thus preventing it from breeding to create baby alarm clocks to wake up more suffering artists / :)

stimuli which fail to inspire (not stimuli):

coffee

tea

yoga

meditation

marijuana

jogging

blogging

logging (dangerous)

candles

red wine

successful stimuli :

sleep deprivation

:)

words of wisdom: 2

don't wear socks with sandals

(you'll be shot)

return

-"jordan! / you're supposed to wait four weeks! / not four days!" /

-"sorry doctor / some thoughtless boy tore out my stitches" /

vote

as the famous criminal/mob member/rapper, puff daddy 

sorry...p. diddy /

...sorry diddy /

...sorry daddy /

...sorry sean combs...once said, "vote or die." ("look at me, i'm DANGEROUS/politically aware") 

/ So get out there and vote for someone who will be alive for the full four-year term /

(It has five letters and rhymes with "Oh Mama!") /

/ ...or else...we'll die /

(intense)

p.s. if you wear a shirt that says "save darfur," the janjaweed will lay off. :)

the government serves you your coffee

i started working for starbucks (the us government) about 3 months ago / it does things to you... /

on my first day of work i had to go through "job training" in hopes

that i could one day become a "barista" / it's something like being "secretary of state" but there's 20 secretaries and a little short of 16,000 states /

one key phrase is still ringing in my head, "at starbucks, we're not in the coffee business serving people / we're in the people business serving coffee" /  i even had to learn this acrostic called, "L-A-T-T-E" that taught all the moral expectations of a starbuck's employee / i remember saying it back to my new boss / "now matt, what does latte stand for?" / 

"uhh...listening...ambition....tenderness? ...tits...ecstacy?"

 i didn't think i'd last a week 

i've come up with countless ways to keep myself constantly entertained at work / on my first day, i was flabbergasted by the amount of nyc ho's that ordered frappucinos / that is when i came up with a plan to boycott ''the frappucino'' / a woman would approach the counter and stare at the overhead menu with a facade she was attempting to present as ''confusion'' / she gives me her daily order with constant pauses as if she doesn't order it every day at 7 o'clock / "Yeah...uh...let me get a grande...moch...no...caramel frappucino...light! / i respond, " do you want whipped cream on that, ma'am? / she responds with a noncommittal, "uhh...nah," 

...a painful 3 seconds

then a halting, "wait yes!" 

once she has made her liquid deathwish clear i call it out as a (get this) "grande caramel AL PACINO light!" / ...no one catches it / i am victorious / i did this for three weeks /

there are three kinds of people that come into starfucks on the upper east side

[1]  nannies

they come in all sweaty and shit 

they're still jogging in place with one headphone in

(btw, if you use the white ipod headphones in nyc, it screams, ''steal me!'')

they order one of these light al pacinos, but they pass on the whipped cream after jogging for 12 MINUTES (watching their figures)

[2] kids on scooters/crack

no you can't ride that inside (thanks for not asking)

they only order al pacinos also

i'll have to charge you for those extra 19 scoops of java chips

would you like a pen to write your will

no, we don't have mcflurries

[3] old farts

they make awkward drink orders (bone dry cappuccinos, keys to the bathroom)

they don't conform to the cup sizes (TALL IS SMALLLLLAHHHHH!!!)

''can i get an iced grande vanilla latte? can that be with sugar free vanilla syrup? six pumps? also seven pumps of mocha light! not the normal mocha. no foam. steamed at 180 degrees. stir it with your dick?"

if you piss me off, sorry, but you're getting decaf 

thank you for choosing starbucks. we're slowly killing you. :)

words of wisdom: 1

everything is more adorable ("adorabler" if you will) if you add "ies", "ette", or a bow/curtsey at the end /

first blog

when i was a little kid, i made an attempt to start writing in a journal / it was completely random / i didn't find it therapeutic or relaxing or like a nice recapitulation of my day or any of that bs / i think i saw it on doug / doug had a journal / he tended to personify it / he'd sit down after a long day and he'd just vent to his damn journal which might as well have had a name / in my opinion, if you're personifying your "journal" and talking to it as you would an analyst, you're either suffering from a case of schizophrenia or your cartoonist is / anyway, when doug wrote in his journal, his voice echoed throughout his room with what he was writing / (not too private if you ask me) / i think a blog would have suited him better (or a straightjacket) / 

anywho, i went to cvs and bought a tiny spiral bound notepad / it had that black and white speckled cover which reminded me of fruity pebbles (but not fruity) / i brought it home and i immediately began writing in it / (more like chocolate + vanilla pebbles) / i wrote about people i saw on the street / i'd go in the bathroom and take a dump, and then i'd go into my room and write about how the toilet was clogged / it was some intense shit (pun completely intended)

i'm getting off topic though / i wrote in my journal all day for that one day / after that i never posted again / my prediction is something like that will happen with this blog /

word